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Tycho makes it better [08 Feb 2017|08:46am]
[ mood | Stressed ]

Tycho. Dive. Really does. Such a great album. I think I have to buy it.

Sitting at the desk with an instant coffee and new trousers. I am, rightly, nervous when purchasing trousers from charity shops. This pair turns out to have baggy knees. They are a size bigger than I usually go for, so maybe they are also too big for me.

Anyway, they look smart, and my new years resolution was to dress smarter for work. My theory is, if they see you looking smart they'll be "who's she? let's give her more money!"

I am still waiting. It's only February.

Still working on this fucking forest project. Got to work out the secrets of the programme today as something went wrong. How can you have "negative" amounts of fencing being produced? Yeah that is a true cock up.

I've had mainly 2 but potentially 3 difficult projects this last contract. The first I was a trojan horse being sent into another institute, being obviously well received. Not. So that took a few months to sort out. Tears and all. Then the comic. With no real goal or clear target audience or plan on who to send it to. And I'll soon be working on a new project that I have not received a SINGLE piece of information from. I have only had a couple of chats with the jeffe. but no proposal. no plan. no loose description. Naddda. So obviously I can start work on that and plan how long that will take me to complete.

right now. This has been the most stressful it has ever been.

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[03 Feb 2017|03:11pm]
When the world grows dark around you
You must find a source of light.
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Its been hard days night... [03 Feb 2017|08:25am]
[ mood | Pretty awful ]

So it's been a hard week *in my head*

Got a few things to do today.

I've been given an impossible task. What do they want? Do they want this, that, some of that, all of this? The answer is yes.

I also applied to another job. But I am not sure how that will go. But I havent got rejected.... yet.

I have an office mate, who is great. I feel sorry for her that she only has me in her work 'social' life. She doesnt know many people, but it's only been her second week.

Working home home today. we were going to let the cats out, but we're not ready yet.

Anyway. I meant to type a lot more, but there's too much.

So i'll keep it simple


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A man walks down the street.... [12 Jan 2017|01:18pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

So. I am here for the same reason as the last entry. I am in a good mood. Though, today I don't really know why. Last time, I was excited about getting a new job. Actually. Maybe that IS why I am feeling happy today.

But that job didn't work out. let's just say. I have thought about it a bit more and I'd say that Mr S has annoyed me very much. But it was a case of me not getting to turn HIM down, because I had actually decided not to take the job. I'm not just saying that. I might have regretted that, but I did.

Now I am looking for new opportunities. I might apply to something else. Or I can sit on this job for another year and... few months before I am thrown out. At least I hope so.

Anyway. Having a delicious masaman curry after a very nice pilates class. Just spoke with someone new as well... yay. She seems nice.

It's supposed to snow tonight. I hope the forecast is.... wrong. My travel home will be bulshit.

Anyway. I am also happy because I have some work that I can really get my teeth into at the moment. Got lots of comments to incorporate into the comic I am helping to make. Yes a comic... well don't you know. I might look back at this and think "that bloody thing" as it seems like it is quite difficult to get it perfect. Someone accused us of being 'scientifically sloppy' but I guess they are correct, when they pointed at specific things. But it's supposed to be a comic.. not too heavy. But this is as heavy as shit.

I'll leave it there.


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Song for Zula [11 Oct 2016|01:57pm]
[ mood | Not sure ]

I applied for a job today. I was kinda invited to apply, so I did. The money is good. The place is good. The actual job, I recon I can do. Why not eh? I'll lose around 40 minutes each way travelling.

Not sure what to feel about it. I am a bit easy TBH. But as I said, I was offered it.

Its fun to get emails like that. Life changing moments. Potentially.

Just went for a run. My new 2 mile run, with hills. But I didn't stop. Even though my mind was screaming "Stopp!!!!!!!" I managed it.

Thought I would document this.

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We don't try [28 Sep 2016|01:20pm]
[ mood | CRAP ]

[You say you wanna die
Just cos things don't work out right]
But you don't even try,
Well, neither do I.
And neither do my friends.
Though some of us pretend.
And it's easy if you cry,
You feel bad for yourself]

Excuse me while I munch on my kale curry. It's quite yummy. Not 100% yummy, but that's what happens when you forget lemongrass.

Now I am having the ultimate treat after my Boot Camp session: a baddass baklava and a mejool date. YUM. Make that two.

So... what a few weeks eh? Been telling myself that I am a complete failure of a person, on repeat, for a while now. Where does that come from? Just the rollercoaster of life, with a few things thrown in here and there, like the looming future, pressures from faceless fellowship pokémon that just shout 'fellowship! fellowship!', my ovaries and the world telling me I should spawn, my realisation that I am not that kind of position where it is all gooey and "I wanna have a family", my lack of ability to learn python, my dead end job, i had no peas this year and the kittens have worms. Again. Yes, we can't even look after our kittens effectively.

Anyway. I don't plan on living forever. I should really try and just have fun. Think of myself.

There. Just spent £32 on Asos.

Got some wood chips to shake and some men 'experts' to call.


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Like a virus [13 Sep 2016|05:08pm]
[ mood | utter ]

Suddenly. I am no longer sure what person to write in. Bucket list. I prefer third person books, but this is a first person story. TBH I dont know where to start.

Currently in North Wyke. I dont have much work to do... really. I dont think. Feeling a bit stressed that all I did was drive today. I need to start at 9am tomorrow. So at least I am here.

I had a rubbish ploughmans today. Weak cheese. Sweet chutney (not vinegary) and coleslaw without onion. I know. What the fuck.

Kinda put me off food for ages.. but then again I am going to have a pub lunch later.

I was feeling all inspired earlier. Realised I have been frustrated pretty much all my life. One day I'll do something cool. One day. Until then it's weighing wood chips. And getting Nature papers rejected. I think that happens often.

To get a loft conversion or not... do we want to upset our house for almost 2 months? decisions.

I should head to the travel lodge.

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I have 9 minutes [05 Sep 2016|05:21pm]
Currently listening to M83. As I have for the last month... or two. I forget.

So. Turns out that I like going to work. Like, actually going to work, rather than working from home. Where you stew. Where you eat crumpets. Where you play with the kittens

WE HAVE KITTENS!!!! Taking them home was the most exciting day of my life. They are so fucking cute. I love them. I have moments where I look into the abyss and I hate them. But I love them. They are so cute. I have scratch marks all over my legs, but hey it's almost winter and them bad boys are going to be put away.

Shiny legs can't help me here.

Anyway, Fitz and Molly. Are my fur babies.

And I kind of want to sterilise myself already. I heard a kid crying on the tram yesterday and wondered how large that abyss would be if I actually spawned. It wouldnt be the abyss, it would just be the sky. Sky of doom. Sky of THUNDER. WHY HAVE I SPAWNED?? I THOUGHT I ENJOYED LIVING?? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?

But then again, i havent been that happy recently. But maybe that is because I have stayed at home doing fuck all for the last 10 days. Sitting in on a Friday night and there's nought but to do but just get drunk. That is not really exciting eh?

So I need to get out more.

I like coming to work.

And I come full circle.

I have three minutes left. Gonna get ready to go home and see my kitttie kits

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It's almost like someone didnt want me to post [03 Aug 2016|02:04pm]
[ mood | Fucked ]

Or maybe they just wanted me to get on with work.

SO I just did boot camp and got angry with the guy when he said that porridge doesnt contain enough protein. I was like "it has fuck loads of protein", with a bit too much venom, tbh. BUt I came back to google and it doesnt have MUCH in it, though it is in the top-ten things that arent meaty that have protein in them

Am I getting enough? I am supposed to have 48 grams a day... but my breakfast is about 4g. THen... I have a lot of meat free days. Not sure.

Anyway. I don't want his shit protein bars. I'd rather not fill myself with mystery food.

Maybe I could do that myfitness pal ... but that makes me feel depressed. BUT if I just do it with the aim to get enough protein... then maybe it wont

Anyway. HOD sent me into deep depression for about 2 months. Kinda outta of it now. But I'm going to talk to a guy about my future options (funding etc) and that might throw me down the well again.

And I can finally say I have an OK publication record. But people don't seem to help, they just seem to make it worse.

Watch this space.

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Where have you gone? [06 Jun 2016|09:51pm]
[ mood | Fucked off ]

So. In Amsterdam. Had a great weekend away with Dan, though we were a bit boring, but we were staying in a nice boat in a quiet area of town, and you just want to settle into that and not mingle with the brits and the rest of the world crowding into the centre of town....

and now at the EUBC and M is being quite annoying... which is kinda not suprising. But I was invited to a celebration dinner to celebrate her 'promotion' which just makes me sick to the stomach.

And I thought I wasnt competitive.

But I just had a shitty time of work. I was taken on at the lowest pay scale for my band. I had a pretty good year last year. Lots of papers (like 5?) plus more submitted and still waiting to hear back. Plus I did a lot of work for Supa gen, and ran an early career network, and raised enough cash for me to spend 3 weeks in the USA. So I ranked myself as 'excellent'. AND that's the only way to get a pay raise.

Boss agrees... rates me as excellent. Then head of department says "well, you were only doing what was expected of you" and downgrades it to 'very good'

waa waa first world problem waa waa.... But no pay rise. And bollocks. I was working my guts off. I deserve a pay rise. It is not even a lot of money, like £50 a month... but its the principle. Even.

I was so annoyed. So annoyed I think it broke me. I think I want to leave science/leave the unsupportive shit pit where I am now employed and just go and make some more money.

So I didnt want to go and fucking celebrate M's promotion. Who published 1 first author (SHIT) paper and contributed to 1 ... or 2 others over THREE YEARS. No. go fuck yourself.

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While i'm here [24 May 2016|01:42pm]
[ mood | Fucked ]

So I just thought I would put an entry into the o'livejournal. I havent since I was in the states. That was a fun trip. I had a good time and was sad to leave Atlanta. Which I liked.

Then Dan and I went to Scotland for a week, which was super. Had the walking holiday I always wanted, walked loads, up mountains like, got to snow! then it was a heat wave so we had to cool down in the river... made of snow melt... so it was fucking freezing, but then we were hot


"So what big things have you got coming up?" FUCCCCK. Not the question you want to hear right?

"Umm.. shite all"

EVEN though I am having a great year so far. Yesterday I took a rejection and turned it into 2 papers. Last week I got invited to contribute to a FREAKING SCIENCE PAPER. Things are going well. But still nothing in the pipeline.

Note to self. um. panic?

What to do .

Oh and I think I'm allergic to brassicas.

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Mild Panic [27 Apr 2016|12:41am]
[ mood | Panic ]

So I am having a bit of a panic. Just realised I go home in two days time. A kinda trip of a lifetime ending. Its a weird feeling. I kinda like it here. But I also hate being on my own. Especially when I am properly on my own. I felt like I was kinda existing. Thinking "I'm walking about here and no one knows or cares where I am"

Then I have had some really great discussions with people. I have learnt a lot. But the bloody trouble is, when I go to explain it to other people... i stutter and can't get the words. Even though I have been told a number of times. I hope it's not too much effort to get it out of me when I get back. I plan on writing a few page summary of what I have learnt... which would be a useful document to produce. Though I am a bit worried I'll sit down... write the title and then... make a cup of tea... and umm... write some headings... umm... and then stop.

Then there's finding time to do this between now and the Biomass Energy Conference. And then it's finding time to get EVERYTHING ELSE DONE.

Actualy.. I need to send an email to M about the massive nature paper that I might not get time to work on. Dammit.

Don't panic. In fact I just got a 9 month extension. Which is great.

I'm gonna go for a 5 guys. Because.

see ya'll ! x

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Atlanta [25 Apr 2016|02:30am]
[ mood | Sleepy ]

SO I am in Atlanta and have had a very nice couple of days. I'm not complaining or terribly bored! yay!

So yesterday I went for a walk to Piedmont Park, which is great, sat down, read a book and then went to buy some motherfucking fruit.

Today I went to the shopping mall to get Dan some pants. Then I went to the botanical gardens here, which were super lovely. A really good effort. Much better than kew. And they had Chuchilo... that glass guy here. Which was super nice.

I didnt go too crazy while shopping, spent about £30 on a top, a bra and two pairs of pants for Dan. And they are good pants.

And then i had a homeless guy persuade me to buy two fucking foot longs from subway. Oh dear. And I was just thinking yesterday "I dont have any stories from this trip"

For £15. Now I do.

AAnd then I ate way too many carbs just before bed. Which is as bad as eating a fuck tonne of sugar. At least some was rice. And there was only a small portion of mac and cheese.

Tomorrow. back to work. After picking up my new pebble!! (Watch) which I just bought for about 80 quid cheaper than at home. I hope it doesnt get stolen from the door step.

Night night xxx

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Day 6...? I lose count [22 Apr 2016|01:46am]
[ mood | Fire ]

So I am currently sitting next to the fire pit. With a beer. And some music. Couldnt be better huh?

So its turned out to be a truely great week. Turns out I like having a sugar Daddy. Someone who takes me out to lunch, who wants to chat to me about geeky stuff... ha! Anyway, he also has a very lovely and funny wife. I went to the Georgia Foresty Commission today and met some very nice guys who took us around, was a real highlight of the trip. They were very knowledgeable and shared some interesting facts with us.

Feeling chilled out. Tomorrow I'll meet with my IC and talk about supply chain stuff. Then I'll go shopping!! I am going to head to victoria's secret to get a couple of bras, and I also want to get my nephew something from 'America'

Kinda tempted to go out. Just for 1 beer. yeah I might do. I am only here for a little while longer. Trying to make the most of it. You know, I dont get to be here much. I guess there's not much to do here, and last weekend I just didnt want to chat to people.

Feeling happy. I wish I still felt super excited about travelling. Maybe I should try and go to places that I will be super excited about. Maybe the excitement was the new-ness... and now I've travelled a bit more.

but no... it IS exciting to be here. It's just hard to make the most of it when you're on your own.


Fire pit... and Motown?

ya'll have a great day

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[20 Apr 2016|03:15am]
[ mood | Eating that damn carrot ]

[I'd hate for you to go.... before I let you know
That everybody loves you babe, but me]

Yes Pandora.Had a more settled day today...I think I am slowly learning American-business speak. I just need to remember what Larry does, what Chris does, and what Scott does. We have friends. "Oh he's a good friend of mine"

My industrial contact is pretty cool. And has been a super awesome host. Really over the top, in a stupid like wow ... this is awesome way. Almost can't contribute anything i.e. money, because it's just the way he does things.

So tomorrow I am going to his freaking Beach House with 4 bedrooms to hang out for 5 hours on the beach/veranda/dunes/sea then i'm going to get picked up for dinner. After being taken out for lunch. This is out of this world.

So, that's me being a bit silly headed right now. Totally blown away.

So Billy Bragg...everybody loves you babe just reminds me of Matt.

[There's just no ignoring,
You're pretty, but you're boring]

I am truly mean. But it's true.

[I'm begging you to stay...
Outta my way
'Cos everybody likes you babe,
But me]

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Day 4. [19 Apr 2016|02:05am]
[ mood | Tired ]

'cept I am not on my own today. Woah what a roller coaster of a day. I went from... I'm gonna a'march on down to the airport and just fucking fly home, to ... OK...I can do this. Let's sit this out and learn sometime. To... lets make loads of fucking money

But I'm not sure about the last bit. When someone waves a carrot in front of your face you need to be wary.

Anyway. It was so tiring that I am actually in bed early. 9pm. I didnt need dinner even because the lunch we had was amazing. Fried green tomato sandwich with a fried egg... amazing. Super good.

Im so tired. My head might explode.

Oh and I got drunk last night and went to the bar and chatted to people, after chatting to people around the fire pit. Was fun.

Good night.

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Another thing [17 Apr 2016|10:23pm]
[ mood | Not sure ]

So I had a dream last night.

I cant really remember what it was. But it got me thinking of a cool... and unique??? storyline.

About a girl who was in love with two men. Kinda like the batchelorette. When she really has no idea what to do. And neither does the audience. I was thinking it should be a historical fantasty book. I wanted aristocracy. Then I thought, I want some good baroque dance themes. Then I thought of Bach. There are some Bach pieces that make you want to jump around for joy. Like some of the Brandenburg concertos. (Not sure if that is spelt right). Then there's some pieces that pierce the soul. Like any middle part (adagio?) of his organ concertos. If I can find the piece I will share it.

Anyway. So I thought the story could be about Bach even. But he married his second cousin, turns out. But they were happy. But then again the woman chosing the 'rich' guy is a bit obvious, or not, even.

So...this all stems from a lot of bad dreams I have when I want to leave Matt, but he's Dan too. There are two Dans. Or the Dan's change into Matts. It's really confusing. Because in my dream I'm like... But I want Dan!!

Bad dreams. Maybe I should get some counselling. Maybe the summer of 2005 was more stressful than I realised.

But no regrets. I was a coward. But i have Dan.

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So... day three [17 Apr 2016|10:05pm]
[ mood | OK i guess ]

So day three. I havent done much today. First I went for quite a nice breakfast, with a strong coffee and some kolache thing. Was good. I also got a slice of zuchini bread... which was super. NOTE TO SELF. Make zuchini bread. It had ginger and was quite sweet, and dark... so look for a recipe like that.

Then I went to the pool and sat there for 2 hours... maybe... enough to catch the sun but not too much. Then I went to the gym. Then I went for a walk. It's just too stressful getting a drink on my own... so I decided to just buy a 6 pack from the supermarket and am sitting on the terrace on my own getting some time with Pandora and a beer. I might have another after this. I havent eaten much again today. Three meals is just a bit too much. But tomorrow all will change.

My industrial contact is going to meet me and I'll get to ACTUALLY talk to someone! Face to face like. It's been a few days. I can't be bothered going to a bar and chatting to someone. Maybe I should make myself do it tonight. And write my postcards. Maybe.

The weather is super. Really hot but not too hot... if you know what I mean. It's fine in the shade, but just a bit oppresssive if stuck inthe sun.. FUCKING SPACE BAR. This laptop isutter shit. I wish I never bought the fucking thing.

Anyway. I think I am doing the cheap/easy dinner route tonight. Five Guys. Going to check that out. I will get the largest thing they do. With sides. I am hungry.

Last night I went to a cool salad bar, which was quite efficient. I had enchiladas though, so not entirely healthy. But I thought I'd take a bit of time away from the gym tomorrow and have a salad tomorrow. I think I am being treated to lunch tomorrow too...which is super. But doesnt matter if im not.

Bit bored. I might kick myself when I get back. I have enough money to get three meals a day for 20 dollars. More now, seeing that I havent for the last couple. I should just say fuck it and start spending dinero. But I cant. Also I dont want to get fat. I feel fat.

I might treat myself on my birthday. Outback Ribs. and shopping! I am going to go to victoria's secret and get a couple of bras.


Listening to Slow Motion Reign on Pandora. Blessed Pandora. I wish I could listen to it at home. It's one of the top 10 things about being back in the states. And it remembers me.

What next...? Tom Waits. Alice.

[It's dreamy weather
with a frozen moon
A murder of silhouette crows
And the tears on my face
And the skates on the pond
They spell Alice]

It's apparently about Lewis Carol's obsession with children/a young girl in particular. Alice.

I always thought that album would make a great theatre production. I love the one with the woman planting flowers on a flower's grave.

[And by tracing it twice
I fell through the ice
Of Alice]

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Day no. 2 on my lonesome [16 Apr 2016|08:52pm]
[ mood | Beered ]

So I am sitting in the reception/lobby of my hotel. It's a super sunny day and I have been sitting by the pool reading for about 2 hours. Had a dip. Then went to the gym (Righteous Me) and now I am having a complimentary beer with my laptop.

I got a T shirt today. True Tourist Style. And went for a really long walk while looking for some food. It's amazing how long it takes you to find a neat looking place while you are walking around starving. Then you see loads as soon as you are full.

I am being super stingy for some reason. I dont know why. Maybe it's guilt that Supergen are paying me to be here. To better my career and open my options. But it's to do research, at the end of the day. And I am not looking for a new job.

I should learn to enjoy myself some more. I have plenty of days to get used to this. I might have a couple more beers today, there's a lot of craft beer places around. Maybe I will chat to people. Maybe I will just write my postcards.

I fancy ribs. But I also fancy a furtherly righteous salad con avocado.

Going to get a bit of work done. I ticked two things off my list yesterday. I'll get one done today. One done tomorrow. I dont need to go too crazy I have so much time.

Right then. Until tomorrow.


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Beyonce [15 Apr 2016|09:48pm]
[ mood | American ]

So I'm in Savannah. Again. It's a great thing to be in the states again. This really is a great place. It gets a bad press, we take the piss out of americans, but what I have seen so far, at 'work' and on TV and in restaurants (I havent really been out much yet) these guys seem to have more 'balanced' system than the UK, and by that I mean, less sexist and ... not racist... but multicultural. Which is great. I hope that is the case, I know there are always times when people are predujiced etc. but on the face of it, it seems refreshing.

One thing worrying me is how ... desensitised I seem to be about being here. I remember the first time and it was like "oh my god I'm here". Now I spent the majority of the day in the hotel, working... bah. How sad. But then again it's nice to have a day to do whatever I like, even if that is working on a paper.

I'm going to head for some dinner soon. Havent eaten much today, just a granola bar and an apple for lunch. Porridge and stuff for breakfast, though I didnt expect they'd charge me 20 dollars for it... i would have had some more blackberries.

So yeah, almost dissapointed with myself at how "meh" my brain is. I should be more excited than this. Though I am here for 1 day short of 2 weeks left.

Anyway, going to chat to my Dan then I am going to head off and get a beer. And maybe some ribs.

They know how to cook meat here!

Hope ya'll have a great day.

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